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Feelin' 22.

And older than ever...

Growing up I couldn't wait to be an adult; to be free. After turning 21 last year, I quickly realised that the next 'big' birthday I was going to have was going to be when I turn 30. 30.

When I was younger I remember writing multiple bucket lists; things I wanted to do before I die, before I turned 18 or 21. I'm not sure if I ticked all if any off of the lists. I guess I'm a sucker for wanting to do and be more, wanting to scram the most I can into the shortest space of time. But I think I get lost in the years. I think I lose sight in the moment and forget to appreciate where I am.

The idea of writing an anti-bucket list has crossed my mind a couple of times now, but I never knew what I would put on it. Apparently they're not meant to be serious, but that's kinda not me. So here is everything I hope I never have to see, do or experience. I guess this way I can see clearly how lucky I am, and hopefully, develop myself in a positive way.

1) Not doing what I love.

Whatever that is. This is something that I hold so closely. If I don't love something then what's the point in doing it? If I could be somewhere, doing something that I do love then why would I be anywhere else?

2) Giving up what love because of my own insecurities.

THIS. This is where we are right now. I hate feeling not good enough, clever enough, young enough, old enough etc. I hate telling myself that I cannot do something before I even do it, but I still do. This has to be on this list because it is probably the biggest thing holding me back right now.

3) Accepting someone elses view because I'm too scared to speak up.

A big challenge for me is public speaking, or in fact, just speaking in general to people face to face about my opinions. Sometimes I find it almost impossible to bite my tongue, but if I value this individual then I'm probably not going to tell them that I disagree with them. Within this, I hate it when I think of an argument or opinion literally as soon as I leave that conversation. It's like my mind blocks my thought process until I get home.

4) Stop writing, learning and being creative.

These are just things I love. I never want to stop doing these things because I 'don't have time'. I'm still learning to balance this work, social life and creativity situation, but it works, a little. I make time to do things that are for me and I don't want to give that up.

5) Give up.

I hate feeling like I could've done something that I didn't do. I am so passionate about helping and supporting this world and everybody in it, I would just hate to feel like I could've caused something positive when I didn't even try, or I gave up after a few tries. I love being a motion for change and I thrive knowing I've contributed to something bigger than myself. But I think I also need to understand that there are things I cannot do, which leads onto my last point...

6) I never want to give blood again.

I just can't do it. I've tried twice, and I just can't. As much as I would LOVE to, and as much as I try. My body doesn't like it, I'm too scared and it's just not happening. (It's really not that bad, do NOT let this put you off. Please give blood; it is an amazing thing to do when you can!)

Overall, I'm not sure if I agree with Taylor. I definitely feel 22. And it certainly has given me a slight nudge to get myself to where I want to be. But at the same time, life isn't planned. So who cares if you don't tick everything off your 'before 21 bucket list', and yes maybe you didn't get to go on that dream holiday just yet but honestly who cares.

You're alive and life is uncertain. Just find happiness in that uncertainty.

Katie x

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